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Card of the Day

Five of Raphael

I call this one the “worry” card. Not that you have anything to worry about (worrying only brings what you don’t want right to you!) Consider this card as a wake-up call to your thoughts and pay attention to what you are not only thinking, but also believing in your mind. Are you constantly worrying about every. little. thing? This is a message to say, “Hey! It’s going to be ok!” The Universe has your back. There is more where that came from. Drop the victim mentality from your being and turn it around.

I also feel like this message is for the ones who are looking back, regretting some past relationship or missing someone and wondering if they made the right choice. You can feel it in your soul, in your gut. Everything happens for a reason. It happens FOR you, not TO you. This card also emphasizes that once you release shame, sadness, loneliness, the past, you WILL receive something better. Something that is for the highest and best. You cannot make a mistake or choose the wrong path because your soul will always take you on the best path.

 

I also hear from Spirit: “Give yourself the love you so desire from outside sources. The love you seek is within your soul and  being. Do not regret anything that has taught you something about yourself and your purpose. Your path is higher and we are steering you on the best course of action possible. You are the light that is needed to shine.”

Keep your thoughts positive and you will receive positive outcomes.

If this message resonates with you, shoot me a message to let me know!

 

Love,

Jen

 

For more information on how I can help you, please email mediumjenabra@gmail.com

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Thursday, July 13: Mending

Oh dear. Everyday I ask Spirit for a card for the collective, and this one popped right out. I hear, “Forgiveness” by Don  Henley plus others regarding this important theme. You have been hanging on to past hurts and resentments and this is actually affecting your current relationships. Everyone always says that you need to forgive others and yourself to move on fully and love yourself but no one ever tells us how. Every article I’ve read: Nothing. Dude, don’t you think we want to forgive them and ourselves? We would if we knew how, right?

This card says it’s time to mend fences, hurts, the past and wounds that we believed we were over but truly deep down aren’t. We’ve been bringing up, reminiscing about and going over the past like a broken record for TOO long. It is time to forgive. Them, you, him, her. Doesn’t matter. We have been closing ourselves off from love and protecting our hearts under iron locks and keys. Forgiveness is the only way to unlock it.

So, how do we do that? Well, in a sense, we have to sit with our hurt. Like, literally sit. Down. For awhile. It’ll come up, trust me. If you sit long enough, you will begin to feel the crack in your chest. Just let it be there. We need to just feel it to heal it. Sound easy, hey? Visualise the person who has crushed you in the past, and just keep sending them love. Energetically, or mentally in your mind’s eye. Keep doing that day after day and eventually, you may feel your heart healing and that you can feel it getting less and less painful.

And if that doesn’t work: punch some pillows  😉 I’m going to google how to forgive someone 😉

P.S. Here is an article, I told you I would google….

 

How To Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You: In 15 Steps

Love

Jen

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The World

Have you been seeing 999 a lot? On license plates, trucks, signs? This means a chapter is coming full circle now or closing permanently, and you have what it takes to achieve your greatest desires. The entire Universe is surrounding you, bringing you everything you could ever wish for. Now is the time to think BIG! Do not let your ego tell you can’t have it. There is a world out there you haven’t even explored yet, literally and it may be time to pack your bags. Let go of the past and dive headfirst into a whole new world! (Oh, Aladdin songs)

It may also be time to pursue those spiritual goals you have been putting off. I hear, taking a course, getting your cards read etc. Something that will expand your consciousness like meditation. I also keep hearing, “She’s got the whole world, in her hands” remember that song from when you were a kid?? Wow, I really need to emphasize this really important message for you. Instant manifestation is here. 888 everywhere. You can have it all. Really. So, go out into the world and declare it yours.

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Card of the Day-Blessed Change

Oooh I love this card for you today! Have you been feeling like somethin’ BIG is on it’s way? Think Shawn Mendes’ song! It’s been playing in my head all morning and when it gets louder, boy oh boy, here it comes. It’s right around the corner and it brings such amazing blessings. The key to this change is trusting the nudges, people. It’s about making big jumps, bounds and leaps. If you say stagnant, you will stay the same. Unless the Universe has a doozy for ya, then it will come about no matter what action you take or don’t take.

It may turn your world upside down, topsy turvy and inside out. Think new home, relocation, new job offer, helpful people, even an unexpected windfall of moula. I also hear 555 for you which in Angel numbers signifies a major life change. I’m hearing the words “sweep” and “upswing”. Don’t deny the feeling. That is your intuition preparing you for all the awesomeness coming your way. Like soon. Not 6 months from now. I’m talking days and weeks.

Can you feel it coming?

Love

Jen

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Card of Day-Abundance!

Today’s card is Abundance!

Woohoo! It’s about dang time! Notice all of the gold on the card? Riches can come in any form, remember. 😉 Abundance can mean new and helpful people who help you become successful, a book that changes your life, opportunities to get ahead and best of all, MONEY!

This card shows that when you believe, anything is possible. If you believe you are an abundant person (think, I always get the parking spot instead of I never get a parking spot) you will be. Money blocks are a thing of the past! You have seen that abundance is all around you. Join groups on social media where the folks are successful. Be around those with a wealth mindset and soon you will be dancing in the coinage too. Surround yourself with positive, successful people. Find a mentor who possesses all the abundant qualities you know you are capable of having yourself. You know what to do to succeed. Go for it! Life is abundant!

 

Medium Jen Abra

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A Change in the Wind

Card of the day-

A Change in the Wind:

You feel it dont’cha? Be it the Full Buck moon or just the energy in general, it’s a comin’. Change. I mean real change. The life-changing, big-time shifting, all-encompassing ch-ch-ch-ch changes. Don’t fear though. Fear of the unknown will only make the inevitable scary and it’s not. It’s all how you look at it. Hint hint: positively.

You need to make room for something better. How you do that depends on you. Have you been purging closets and clutter? That junk drawer empty? Hubby clean out the garage? We are all trying to make room for the new. Get rid of the old and the heavy. Permanently. Don’t look back, you’re not going that way. In fact, our old way are sooooo far gone and behind us now, we wonder how we got here!

If you have been ignoring the emotional issues that have kept creeping up, you won’t be able to do so any longer. The power of the conscious collective energy is moving all of us toward better things and greatness. It’s time to step FULLY into your power now. No more playing small. Sorry not sorry. Something off in your relationship? Someone may have a change of heart suddenly or have the courage to speak of matters of the heart. This is all for the highest and best.

You may find yourself doing deep work on yourself and making you number one; which is how it was always meant to be. You find yourself yearning, craving and making time to be alone and meditate. You find answers there and that is only when you can truly hear yourself. De-clutter the negative thoughts as well and you will see a difference in your thinking and unhelpful patterns.

Stop resisting the changes. You can’t stay the same your entire life. It’s time to change and make room for your purpose and gifts to shine.  Life is about changing, transformation and evolving. So, get ready and welcome in the Big Changes!

 

Medium Jen Abra

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How To Connect With the Spirit World

I get messages almost everyday asking me, “Jen, how do you do you connect like that? Can you turn it off? How do you see them and hear them? Do they really make you feel their emotions?” My answer to these questions are, “Did you know you are a Medium, too?”  Truthfully, some people are just not cut out for the Spirit World and all the things (good and bad) that come with it. Once you’re in, you’re in. It’s like a club you commit to, sign the paperwork, invest in the journey and hang on for the ride of your life! However, that being said, you CAN do what you see me do on that video and live at an event. My Mediumship journey began while attending one of the same events I do now with another Medium. If what I do piques your interest and you wonder if you can do the same (because I have an a pretty cool job, if I do say so myself!) here are a few important things you need to know before saying, YES:  <I do not recommend becoming a medium on your own for many reasons!>

For starters, you need to be open. Aware that there IS another world out there and it’s not just black and white in our day-to-day lives. Awareness and openness is key. If you don’t believe  that there is life after death, well, good luck to ya! Being consciously aware, with or without proof, is vital to beginning a Spiritual journey as a Medium.  You know the unseen is for real (it’s not just your cat that sees it!) and you can believe that it’s not only possible, you just have  a strong knowing. Most Mediums-to-be have had some sort of paranormal or unexplainable experience in their lives. This is the kind of stuff that either freaks people out (have a house-clearer on speed dial) or has them wanting to learn who and what it was that made that noise (It was your Grandpa saying hi!) Whether you have had an experience or not, a Medium will need to trust big time when they begin the work. And work it is!

Meditation is also a vital and a non-negotiable part of the journey. You can’t even get  in the “club” if you don’t commit to forming a new-found relationship with getting quiet. Connecting with Spirit and energy all around you cannot be felt or experienced when you are surrounded by noise, both external and internal. How do you expect to communicate in your mind to a loved one’s energy if you have constant chatter in your head? You can’t. It won’t work. Meditation opens the channel between the Medium and Spirit. This is how you will learn how Spirit communicates with you, how you will “work” as a Medium, build your dictionary and feel energy around you. When I am teaching my Mediumship students, I always tell them they won’t “get better” if they don’t meditate every. single. day. It needs to become part of your daily routine, whether you think you have time to carve out or not. You will have a lot of trouble developing your skills without it. Don’t let the meditation scare you off of pursuing this journey if you feel pulled toward it! You can meditate. There are many ways to do so.

Trust, as I mentioned before, is the most difficult aspect of Mediumship. Even the most seasoned and experienced Mediums will tell you they don’t say everything they receive due to doubt. I myself do not always reveal what Spirit tells me. Sometimes it’s a message I don’t feel is appropriate and may upset the client or it’s so random or far-fetched that I keep it to myself. This is where a Medium can lose out on an amazing reading. The times I do not say the strange, non-sensical images or words, end up being HUGE to the client! Trusting what Spirit gives you takes time. It’s a relationship and one that is built up over a long period of time. However, without it, the Medium will have a hard time delivering the reading. A Medium will need to always remember that Spirit will never lie to them. The messages a Medium receives must be for the highest and best of the client and the truth is always presented. Trust and the knowledge that your loved ones tell the truth always will make you more confident in your readings.

The best part of being a Medium is watching your client’s face when they realize their loved one in Spirit is still here beyond any doubt. Mediums present all the information to the best of their ability with Spirit as their partner. This allows the client to make their own decisions about the spirit world and if they believe after the reading. The goal for me, personally, is to have the client leave with a smile and all the proof they needed to know they are ok. Because that is the job of a Medium. To transform doubt to knowing, sadness to smiles, worry to peace and fear to love. And who wouldn’t want that job? Best. Job. Ever.

 

We all have the “gift” of connecting with Spirit. Some are aware and some are not.
Perhaps you feel energy or like someone is near you but when you turn around, you don’t see anything!
Or maybe you can already communicate with a loved one and are already practicing BEING a Medium but still have questions.
I want you to close your eyes and FEEL what this post means to you. By that I mean, does it FEEL really exciting to you and something that you REALLY feel called to do?
Then read on!

Here is what you will receive, take from and experience in this program:

• You will gain clearer understanding of how Spirit communicates with and through you
• How to receive the images, feelings, sounds and deliver them in an organized way to a client
• Learn how to effectively validate for someone that their loved ones in Spirit are always there
• Communicate clearer with Spirit and your Guides, who are helping you every step of the way!
• Take your abilities to new levels by working hard and being committed to daily practice
• Be accountable and practice DAILY meditation for at LEAST 30 minutes or more
• Build and increase your new-found confidence
• Declare proudly that you are, in fact, a Medium
• Have a strong inner knowing when you feel ready to proceed on your own professionally
• You will be part of a Facebook group where you can answer questions, gain support from other practicing Mediums and be challenged each week. We will be stretching and getting out of our comfort zones by posting recorded videos of our readings in the group.
• Weekly Zoom calls (Group practice) will be the integral focus of your 8-week journey. You must be available to participate FULLY and be ALL IN. You must WANT to help others who are grieving and be a light to those who cannot find it themselves.
• Connect with your Spirit Guides and Higher Self to access your highest potential
• More focus and increased development skills

Beginners are welcome as well, IF you are committed and ready to work hard.

To see if being a Medium is right for you, you can email mediumjenabra@gmail.com for more info.

www.mediumjenabra.com

 

 

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I Quit

When life doesn’t go right, turn left.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Don’t give up. Ever.

Are you barfing in your Cheerios yet? I know I am.

I’m tired. Tired of pushing. Of always doing. Being. Hustling. Selling. Giving.

At what point do you say, “Fuck it, I’m out! Thanks for coming out! It’s been grand.”

If you listen to masses, you will see, hear and receive repetitive messages of  “encouragement” both on social media feeds and like, from actual, real live people. They will tell you to keep going, you’re doing great! Dreams DO come true! And  we cannot forget my personal favourite, “Don’t quit right before the miracle occurs” posted in an inspirational meme with flowers and sunsets. What do flowers and sunsets have to do with miracles anyway? Winners never quit and stuff. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I want to run for the hills with my fingers stuffed down my ear canals and forks in my eye sockets so I can’t see it anymore. When did inspirational quotes become the norm? What if I want to scroll for an hour and watch endless videos of  adorable kittens running around and that one with the croc on the dog’s head? That one kills me every time!

Yeah, I could “stay off” or take a Facebook break, but who am I kidding? I tried that and it didn’t work. I use social media for my Mediumship business nowadays. Long gone are the treks to my unfinished basement on my dinosaur PC to update my status to, “Well, I made it through another dinner without getting sauce on me!” or “Yes! I got a nap today!” Seriously, if you scroll all the way back to 2007, they are there. I miss back when. Mind you, my only job and business back then was making sure my toddler didn’t wake up when the doorbell rang or that they didn’t fall down the stairs once they discovered how to crawl! I remember working hard mentally trying to come up with witty or funny statuses. How would I wow my 34 friends today? I got to pee by myself!!! (Actual retro status update)

If I only knew! I probably would have relished in those simpler social media times a bit longer.

Fast forward to 2017:  I take training courses on how to BLOW up your business page to 2,000 likes! I’m sorry, did you say, two thousand? Holy crap! I thought having 700 likes was “good!” Hell yeah, I want 2000 likes! Even though I had to work hard for those likes, damn it. I am striving for a bigger audience, so I’m willing to put in the work. Up until now,  I made videos of me almost crying, of giving away free shit, posting my own share of inspirational quotes and offering my services. I did my hair, put on makeup (some days). I chose the brightest color to wear because green brings out my eyes. I didn’t show you the PJ pants I was wearing on the bottom! The point is, I’m out there. I’m doing and taking action.  I am showing up. I put my heart on the line some days and the other days you get a cute meme. Basically, I’m all over your news feed. Probably. Unless you don’t follow me, in which case, shame on you, you totally should. (Jennifer Abra-Spiritual Teacher and Medium) When did “following” someone have value and take on a whole new meaning? Back in 2007, my toddler followed me to the bathroom and stuck his fingers under the door. If someone followed me outside, I’d be like, “What a total stalker!” and consider calling 911! But now, it’s how many likes or followers can I get?

Which from a business perspective, I totally understand. I am grateful to have acquired the knowledge on how to acquire more likes and fans and testimonials. It’s super powerful shit. I realize how phenomenal Facebook is when you are a soulpreneur…ha, like that one? Or entrepreneur, whichever feels good to you. It has brought me so many amazing clients and new friends. Without it, I’d be here sitting in my old house with the dirty carpet again because I wouldn’t have seen the ad for my new home! I wouldn’t have 700 “friends” on my biz page or 556 “friends” on my personal one. WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY!!? YES, YOU. That girl. I don’t know you, do I? Anyway…

There are still issues that have contributed to my rant. I mean blog.

A) I am tired. Still. Seriously all of my passwords have “tired”and “mom” in them. (Don’t bother trying to guess what it is. Nothing good to steal)  I’m pretty sure I’ve been exhausted since 2001.

Maybe I WANT to give up and give in. Maybe being a quitter has its perks. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I threw up my hands and said, “EFF YOU UNIVERSE! I AM SO DONE. YOU WIN. YOU WANNA A PIECE OF ME? WELL, HERE IT IS BIG BOY!” I am not kidding you at the exact moment I typed those words, I felt this HUGE weight lift off my chest. I felt like I could breathe again. It only lasted a second or two but holy crap, that was freeing. I know you feel that way too. I can sense it. I’m Psychic, remember? 😉 I know this because we all at one time or another feel like throwing in the towel. Not just in the laundry hamper, either. I mean like throw it, burn it, stomp on it and go to bed for a week. We want to give ourselves permission to lie down. Not just for a few minutes while there is quiet in our house. If you have small kids, quiet is not good. Go check what they are getting in to. I’ll wait while you clean up the mess.

B) We need to give ourselves permission to QUIT or surrender with a capital Q and S. It’s OK to lay down for longer than five minutes. Hell, take a two-hour nap! If we don’t feel very “worky” today in whatever we are doing, then don’t be “worky”. Fuck worky. That’s not even a word. Go binge-watch Riverdale. For reals. We are our own boss. We need to stop sometimes and say, “I’m so done. I cannot do it any longer.”  Surrender is a big deal. It’s not easy to do, trust me, I suck at it. Most of us do. We want something so badly we will keep going like the Energizer Bunny until we achieve it. But it’s necessary. Do you feel me? That pile of laundry? It can wait. That stack of bills? One more day won’t hurt. (Unless they’re threatening to turn off your water, then for godsakes, woman, pay it now!) The social media posts you NEED to be offering this most fantastic offer that no one can miss out on right this very second? Chuck it in the fuck it bucket. Seriously. One day or maybe even a week of not doing will do wonders for your brain and soul. And if you’re feeling super brave and sassy little badassy, quit that soul-sucking job you loathe and makes you miserable. But don’t let me tell you what to do. I’m not the boss of you. You are.

Let’s be proud quitters. It feels better to surrender than it does to hold on for dear life. Even if it’s for one day.  Take time for YOU. Boss lady, kick-ass Momma of two or four, goal-setter, go-getter, all-round top earner, income generator. It can wait. Whether you are the CEO of your up and coming innovative company or the Queen of your castle, I feel you and I see you. Who wants to be tired all the time? I sure as hell don’t. I know you are worthy of that nap. So, go on. Do it. Do it because it feels better than trying today. It’s medicine for the soul. And if the kids made a mess, it’s all good. I know a good housekeeper. 😉

 

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The Art of Being

The Art of Being (Inspired by the book “I Hope I Screw This Up” by the amazing Kyle Cease, who has forever changed my meditation practice)

I recently went on trip. It was the most amazing place I had ever been to! It was quiet and peaceful and full of wonder and magic. It didn’t require a passport and I can go back whenever I wish! Best of all, it was free! Since loved it so much, I want to share this secret location with all of you! You will want to go there too and once you go, you will want to go back everyday!

What if I told you there was a magical place where all of your deepest desires and dreams existed? A place that was pure love and heart and your rational mind cannot be a part of? What if I told you I wasn’t full of shit and what I am proposing is valid and real? Palm trees appear before you and you can see clear blue oceans. You sit under cabanas and lay on a table just receiving. You don’t have to prove yourself or your worth and you don’t have to try to get anything. It’s all yours to have because you are you. It’s all there for you because you have the power to access this place at any time.

Wait, don’t leave. I promise to show it to you. So where is this magical place? Is It Disneyworld? Is it Paris or Rome?
No! It’s BETTER!!

Ready??

It’s in YOU. You have it already. You already have the means to go there. You don’t need to save up. You just go!
What are you talking about? Who wants to go to a place at home? Is this some of boring stay-cation you’re trying to sell me? What kind of woowoooo b.s is this?

Stay with me. If you’re still reading that mean I haven’t lost you yet. And there is some microscopic part of you that wants to hear more. Your curiosity is like a shy woodland creature peeking around the trunk of a massive tree. My words are like a snap of a twig that startles you and make you jump. How’s that for a metaphor 😉 ok so it’s not my best work but I’m telling you. I’m getting to the good part.
Its called, wait for it:

BEING.
Isn’t that a cool name?? I thought so too!

Here’s how you get there:

Step one: stop what you are doing
Step two: go somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed
(Wait, is she just trying to trick us in to meditating??)
Step three: close your eyes
Step four: YOU’RE THERE!!

See how easy that was!! Gawd, I’m good at giving you directions, hey? Good for a girl who doesn’t know which way west or north is. 😉

The best part is you get to do NOTHING.

Nada
Zero.
Nehn
No cleaning or baking or cooking or sewing (Who does she think is reading this, a Grandma?)
You can’t speak or move or pee.

You just get quiet.

[I knew she was trying to trick us into meditating, hippie bippee boo]

I’m not I swear. All I am doing Is showing you the way to that place I’m talking about!

So, once you are sitting or laying down not cooking, {cause that can be messy at this point}, I GUARANTEE you your mind will say a lot of mean things to you. You may hear things like,” WTF am I doing here? I got to take out the trash or my wife will be mad at me. I’m not doing this, this is stupid. I got things to do. Brush my teeth. Oh MAN! Great, I gotta pee. How long did she say to do this for? An HOUR!! Is she bonkers??”

This is actual word for word conversation from my mind in the first fifteen minutes, maybe longer. Your mind dialogue will try everything in the book to get you to stop immediately. BUT I really really suggest that you stick with it. If you’ve ever listened to anything I have ever said, this is the most important thing.

Being the intuitive that I am, I can hear you saying aloud, WHY would I want to do this? Why why why.
Here’s why and I’ll tell you straight up:

Because if you do this, you will be instantly more creative. You will feel lighter and inspired and all kinds of amazing wicked stuff that your mind can’t fathom at this moment. Your mind will give you a million excuses why you can’t possibly visit this magical world I found.
You will be the TRUE self. The best self you already are but can’t find because you are hiding behind too many distractions. You are scrolling Facebook like a social medium zombie. You are ignoring your inner guidance that is shouting at you over and over every single day. Your spirit guides be like. Your mind wants to keep you small and safe and the same. Cozy posy little cocoon.

But what if for a minute, you choose something else.

What if you choose to humour me and this wacky idea?
What if you come out of the “BEING” place, feeling so much clearer and inspired. What if you chose that instead?

I can’t sit here and take credit for this place. I have a man named Kyle Cease to thank for writing his book, I Hope I Screw This Up. Because if it weren’t for him and another beautiful soul whom I love dearly, I would be sitting here outside and scrolling Facebook right now. I wouldn’t be having these words flow out of me so quickly I can barely keep up with my thoughts on this keyboard. These two-pivotal people didn’t invent the place, they just showed me how to get there. They handed me a map to BEING. In all honestly, they gave me back ME. I had the key all along but I was pushing it away to stay the same.

And who wants to stay the same their entire life? Did you know there is an entire WORLD out there? We all have access to this world but a lot of us are too afraid to venture out into it because of fear. They make excuses for staying the same. “But I don’t have the money to travel the world.” “I’m too afraid of airplanes” and my personal favourite and one story I’m letting go of completely “I’m the girl who doesn’t have a passport.” GET A PASSPORT. Ok. I will.

When you go to BEING, it allows you the space to let go of a lot of shit. Old stories you have learned to be true because you keep telling it to yourself over and over and have been your entire life. It became a belief because it’s what you learned, its what others told you to do and be and in the past that is all you experienced. I hate to burst your safety bubble, but it’s not true. It’s illusionary.

Here’s why:
When you visit Being, you are the truth at that moment. All you have is that moment. The past doesn’t exist nor does the future. You are in that moment and so rooted into being, you become complete LOVE. And since we all know we are love, that is exactly why being in BEING [ha-ha get it?] is where you need to be. So, you can experience the space of all that you are. The universe hand delivers to you all the incredible ideas to help you see the infinite potential that you and your life are.

This is what I experienced when I went to BEING:
• I saw a crystal blue ocean and palm trees by a pool and I was giving Reiki to someone in a cabana.
• I saw an Eagle and heard a song about raising up others.
• I was given an idea on how to pay for my trip to Bali [yes, the one I booked today!!-ME, that old girl with no passport will soon be the one of millions of women who have one]
• I saw myself standing on a stage and speaking inspirationally to hundreds about my journey.

I never in a million years could have received these ideas and visions while cooking or cleaning or scrolling Facebook like I do every single day. I use distractions to keep me small and safe and from becoming who I am truly meant to become. BEING is just that. It’s being. I can give you the map but you got to get there yourself. What’s it worth to you? Your freedom is more than a passport away. It’s right in front of your eyes. OK well, maybe just behind your eyes. Just make sure you close them before you go there. That would be weird 😉

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Sam

 

I used to be an extremely sensitive and emotional person. I used to literally cry at the drop of a hat (It was a heavy hat, ok?), bawl at the sappy old Bell commercials and have the 1-800 number on speed dial for the humane society promos. When I was little, my parents used to ask me why I was so sensitive when I  screamed, “SHE”S GONE MAD!” the day my indoor cat scratched my arm to bits when I took her for a walk on a busy street. :/  I’m not saying I’m not a softie anymore. Don’t get me wrong. I swore like a muthaeffer when I stepped in that mud pile in my brand new white shoes. I DO cry. Really, I do. I just CAN’T seem to cry these days.

It’s not like nothing sad ever happens to me. I watch emotional movies. Nothin’.

I stub my toe. Nothin’

My daughter’s third fish died again. Nothin’

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??

It seems I may be looking at this from the wrong angle. Maybe it’s ok that I haven’t cried in ages. Isn’t that good thing? It’s not like I’m hoping something tragic will occur that will finally unleash the floodgates or anything.

And yet, I feel it. Right in the middle of my chest.

It’s big and probably hairy. I can best describe it as black, ooey and yep, hairy. <I checked>

Every time I go into my daily meditation, it’s jumps right up and sits there. It’s like it believes it’s been invited or something and can’t wait until I sit down and get real quiet so he <I think it’s a he> can yell, “HELLO!! I’M HERE NOW. IS IT PARTY TIME? IS THIS UNCOMFORTABLE? OH I AM SO SORRY NOT SORRY!”  He’s kind of a jerk.  A big fat hairy jerk.

He’s probably not a jerk.

He’s probably there to remind me of something.

I’m sure he’s not there to remind me to go buy those amazing shoes I saw the other day.

I think he’s just stuck. I think he’s shown up to show me I’ve been avoiding him too long. I ignore him constantly.

He’s right. I have been avoiding him. Like the plague.

I think I am going to give him a name because ignoring him doesn’t seem to be working out for me. Let’s see. What’s a good name for a black, oozy, hairy mass of goo that has become a big fixture in my life.

Fred. Naw. (I’m pretty sure my Uncle Fred wouldn’t be happy about that one.)

Gerard. (Too close to an old boyfriend’s name :/)

Stanley? Porridge? What?

OK. Sam. Yes. I like that. Sam it is.

Now that I’ve given this massy-black thing a name, he’s super real. I suppose I won’t be able to ignore him any longer now that he has a name and all.

I know I can’t ignore “Sam” anymore. I can feel the pressure he puts on me growing every day more and more. And I’m sure you all know what happens when you ignore something. IT GETS BIGGER. Aw great. Now he’s bigger. And right there. And so loud.

OK. Here goes. Ima gonna cry. And gooooooo.

Hmmm. Let me try again.

 

Nope.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY CAN’T I CRY?

Quick. Somebody tell me a really sad story.

Damnit.

I feel like if I do cry, I’ll have to be sad and not happy anymore and have all my hard work at being super positive, change your thoughts/change your life momentum I’ve built up for months will all go to shit the minute I say yes to Sam. The minute I release what I’ve been holding in, the Universe will give me more sad. And since the Universe responds mostly to emotion, won’t it mean doom for me if I cave in?

What I didn’t realize (until I bounced this idea off of my coach today) is that we are not really our thoughts. Exsqueezme?

We aren’t. We aren’t supposed to be attached to our thoughts. They are just things that float by and through us and we are ultimately wired to not attach ourselves to them.  The Universe isn’t punishing you, it responds to you. I have been worried for months that if I break down and release the “Sam”, that I won’t be able to manifest what I’ve been trying to manifest this whole time.

But the truth is, I’ve been doing it wrong. Ish.

Having the emotions move through me, instead of stuffing them down, is the thing. Because if we don’t feel, how can we truly be our true selves? We will just be walking around the neighbourhood all pissed off at one another not knowing why. I bet that’s why each time I get behind the wheel of my SUV, some impatient, angry, aggressive commuter rides my bumper like it’s a magnet to fridge. They are the perfect example of what happens when you don’t express your healthy emotions. I do NOT want to be like them. Their faces are all gnarled up in a perma-scowl and you know what your Momma said: “If you make that face it’ll stay that way.”

Hey, Sam! I’ve decided to be your friend. I’m gonna say hi next time you come and sit on my chest. (Dude, how much do you weigh anyway?) I won’t push you away or resist you next time. And maybe the tears will come on their own. Maybe they won’t. But at least I won’t be holding it in, afraid of it. I’m allowed to feel. I don’t have to be all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. The Universe won’t punish me for melting in a heap on my bedroom floor. Then maybe Sam will lose some goddamn weight ( I mean get lighter and smaller) and I won’t need him anymore. The one thing I refuse to do is stuff him down. Cause who wants to have a gnarled perma-scowl face all the time? My laugh lines are just fine for me. 🙂

 

 

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