THIS IS NOT ME!
Well, it IS me but not the real me. I’ve been feeling like a fake or a phony or even the dreaded “inauthentic” word.
It takes balls for me to step up and admit that.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t do it on purpose. It’s not like I say to myself, “Hey, should we be fake happy or put on a show today?’ I just show up. Maybe I show up as I think YOU’D like to see me as. Maybe you only want happy, goofy and fun Jen. Who knows.
And I am that person. I’m just not like that all the time. The more I show up, the more I feel myself becoming what I think others want to see me as.
THAT IS TOTAL BULLSHIT.
I once received a message from a fellow Medium:
“It doesn’t always have to be a show, Jen.” This was a well-meaning message from my Grandpa in Spirit, but a tough message just the same.
It has stuck with me ever since. Trust me, I love entertaining and making jokes. I was born with a funny bone. I think I’m hilarious. 😉 I still stand by my belief that Spirit wants me to make others feel better through humour during their grieving the loss of their loved ones. And I will keep doing that. Spirit uses my strengths which includes humour and my knowledge of song lyrics. Maybe even a Disney movie or two 😉
But when I see this photo of me, and I watch back some of my videos, I don’t see me. I wonder who that even is. That is my BEST look, my perfect hair and makeup and an expensive, wear one time dress.
I see someone who I think others want to see or how others perceive me to be. Sometimes I want to show up sad or just blah but that doesn’t attract an audience. It doesn’t bring in clients. Or does it?
What if I just came on here and said, “This is me. Take it or leave it. I am sad/meh/happy/funny/down/hopeful today.” Would you still like this page? Would you still watch and be part of my journey?
What if authenticity was key? (Which I hear it is ;)) What if I could find a way to just be me. What if I didn’t have to try so hard?
What if we all had the guts to show up as us. Just say a big, “I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT YOU THINK OF ME!” and posted a photo of our messy hair, don’t care selves on social media today. What if we gave up on the masks and decided to be the real, authentic us. I bet many of us would feel lighter. Because it’s exhausting trying to please everyone all the time. Isn’t it? Do ya feel me?
To be honest, this shift, or thought kept me up all night. I almost blogged at 3 am. I waited until a normal hour while watching Elf for the umpteenth time before I wrote. 😉 The point I am trying to make is I think it’s time to show up as Jen. It would feel a hell of a lot better to show you the real moi. I can’t guarantee there won’t be awkward jokes or fun times at my next event because that is part of the real me.
How are YOU showing up?
Mom to Medium
I mean, Jennifer Suzanne Abra age 43 who lives in Shelburne, ON while watching Netflix in her Christmas Jammies because it’s Saturday and I need a shower but I blogged instead.
Photo credit: Maiden to Mother PhotoArt
Author note: I love this photo of me and my photographer is kick ass amazing.